I’ve disappeared again! This will happen from time to time, I assure you. My brain will decide that right now the most important thing to focus on is my work, or job hunting, or dating, or eating well and working out. As such, writing will be shuffled around among all those other pursuits and will vanish from sight for a while, the housekeys at the bottom of the overstuffed handbag of my mind. (In this metaphor, “lying in bed watching Netflix” is represented by “a bunch of crumpled up receipts.”)
I’m also dealing with some heavy family shit at the moment, and trying to take care of myself and those I love. The worst has passed, thankfully, but I am still scared and sad for someone I love very much. Woke up this morning and a voice in my head said, “You know, calling in sick to work and lying in bed crying about how horrible [stuff that just happened] is sounds AWESOME.” Fortunately, my own voice responded with “nooooooo, fuck you, i’m going to work even if everything sucks.” And somehow, making that one little effort makes all the other little efforts of the day easier. Not fun or anything, of course, but easier.
Also: if you are having a day when staying in bed crying sounds alarmingly tempting, may I humbly recommend going out wearing a shawl instead? It is basically a socially acceptable way to drag yourself out in public still wrapped in blankets! I am wearing this one and it is so cozy and nice. Be kind to yourself, in any little way you can while still getting things done. It will help.
I am thinking and writing about holidays and estrangement. If you want to leave a comment or send me a message (via the About page) about how estrangement factors into the holidays and family for you, please do. We’re heading into a time of year where these issues may weigh particularly heavily on us; I hope you are doing well. I’m thinking of you.
2 responses to “Intermezzo”
Christmas has been especially tough since 2011. My dad, with whom I was very close, died a few years ago, and before we knew he was sick, he let drop to me the reason he endured a horrible 65-year marriage to my mom. Apparently he was planning to leave her, and then found out she was pregnant with me, so he felt he could not go through with a divorce. His birthday is just before Christmas, so that day has been especially difficult the past three years. I love God very much, but I don’t understand Him. Why did He let the good parent die first? I don’t see my mom at Christmas, but my personal faith compels me to call her once a week to check on her. Have not seen her in two years; over 1800 miles separate us geographically now. I have a great life, but this puts a damper on Christmas every year.
I’ve often wondered about how and why fate works the way it does, too, and I don’t have an answer for that yet. But it’s very strong of you to call and check in on your mother regularly given all of this.