Yesterday morning I spoke with Caitlyn Becker on HuffPost Live’s “What’s Trending” segment about being motherless by choice. You can watch the interview in the video embedded at the bottom of the original HP post here. “What’s Trending” covers the stories capturing their readers’ attention. Thank you so much to everyone at HuffPost for giving me this platform!
I’ve been so moved by all your responses coming in here and on Twitter, and at how quickly this conversation developed. I knew I wanted to give voice to this experience too many people go through, and the turbulent and ambiguous emotions it causes in us to choose to be motherless. I especially wanted to write it now because I’ve been fortunate enough to build a better life for myself, and to know others that have done so in their own ways.
I write on a variety of topics, but I plan to continue writing about this in some way. It means a lot to me to be able to connect with others in the same boat, and hopefully let them know they’re not alone.
On a much more prosaic level: I have a day job, so I’m not always able to make updates as quickly as I’d like, but I hope to make a few revisions to this site very soon. Stay tuned! And thank you.
6 responses to “My Interview About Being Motherless By Choice On HuffPost Live”
Thank you, THANK YOU, for writing about this almost taboo subject. I have been in therapy for three years trying to heal the damage of 61 years dealing with a narcissistic mother whose answer to everything was to beat me. This didn’t end when I was a child, it continued through my teen years and beyond. I wasn’t her only target, she had four apocalyptic marriages which she dragged me through along with her. Domestic violence and alcoholism were standard in her household. I never knew when she would explode.
She was cruel, violent, caustic, sarcastic and berated me, made fun of me and was always, ALWAYS angry at some imaginary injustice she was enduring. She was gifted at ruining my relationships when I was young, she would charge me for any food I might serve to a friend at our house. She was unhappy and it was always my fault.
I carved a good life out with a wonderful man, we have three grown, educated, socially responsible, empathetic, caring adult children. My biggest fear in raising them was that they would grown up feeling about me the way I feel about my mother.
Three years ago my mother and I had a disagreement and once again, she started slapping me. That was the last day we spoke. I invited her to my daughters wedding last summer, she attended but left during dinner. We didn’t exchange words or glances.
My husband is retiring this summer and we are moving away. I won’t be saying goodbye to her. I wish her no harm, but I never wish to see her again. I’m done.
My regret is, I didn’t “make the break” earlier in my life.
Be strong, keep writing.
Warm Regards, Lisa TenBrook Wellington, FL
Sent from my iPad
You got my message.
I would love the mother’s side of the story!!!!
There is no journalism anymore.
I can’t believe these ppl have journalism degrees.
The “Slut-Gossip-Propaganda-Post” … as most media is ….
The Huffington Post is “Huffed-Air”! Lol! Pure bs!
No fact checking!!
It’s nice that this young adult woman is celebrating her graduation with her father …
Ya know … The poor weak helpless one that for NO REASON …
was thrown in the basement and then kicked or forced out???
Poor helpless guy … He had no power?
He was MIA in the kids lives???
Was he cheating on the mother, making her work full time ….
While she slaved, had to figure everything out on her own ….
then take care of all the kids all by herself???
Was he a deadbeat????
Is that why he was thrown to the basement?
Or was this mother mentally ill?
And the poor HELPLESS MAN …. sat back and did NOTHING?
Nothing for his wife that was so mentally ill and abusive??
Where the fuck is his responsibility???
I wonder if the father called social services on the mother …
and withheld child support????
Why did the teens get trapped in the house???
Was it because her admitted lying???
Why did the teens have to stand in the middle of the kitchen and watch their mother clean the house and do their laundry like a dog???
What … She banned them from doing chores????
And if this kid was SO FUCKING SMART …. such an academic … Why the fuck is she finally graduating with a BA at 30??
What a horrible mother to leave her other 17 yr old daughter at home to go chase this poorly abused child …. Drive to her college????
What could possibly make a mother GO NUTS …. and drive to find a MIA BRAT child at college … In her early 20’s ….
Ya know … The college she dropped out of?
Must have been that bitch of a mother’s fault???
Ugh … This journalist sucks ass! Hahaha!
Makes me want to find the mother.
I just might!
In my journey … This generation is a wasted cause.
And it isn’t their fault.
It is such a combination of things …
Mainly societal warfare trickled down from our wonderful leaders and entertainment and media industry.
Female to female hate … Men in crises and never being held accountable.
Yes the above is generalizations …. But we both know a lot of mothers and fathers ….
In this “so-called” accused toxic mother’s position.
Out if control entitled teen syndrome ….
with a deadbeat spouse (make or female) …
Creating false memories and triangulating children against the primary caregiver … In which the kids really abuse ….
“Good spouse” who was never there to raise kids ….
coddling false memories of abuse …. When the teens have no responsibility … And behave like lunatics and drive their parents insane????
I wanted to slap the red hair off her head!!!
And CHOKE … The journalist!!!
Now … I could be way off base but this is poor journalism ….
Where is this 30 yr olds responsibility???
I stopped talking to my mother in 2007. This past year she started sending me letters and I’ve had to re-evaluate my choice to see if I still want to be be motherless. My friend kept saying to me: here’s your chance, she might be able to be the mother you need now.
The thing is, I already know that she can’t and won’t be that mother, I spent 27 years waiting for it and trying to make it happen, and I would honestly rather have no mother than the constant fear and the back-and-forth, and the knowledge that if I ever have a kid I would not want them anywhere around her, ever. Your piece has helped me remember why I made that choice then, that it was strong, and that it is strong to continue making this choice. I am a stronger and better person, better able to form my own family around me and make healthy decisions, because I chose to cut her out of my life.
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